Author: shrinkwrappedmom

Let’s explore if and why reading is a powerful and positive coping skill for your mental wellness.

As a therapist specializing in the treatment of anxiety disorders, I have witnessed the profound impact of various coping mechanisms on the mental health of individuals. While there is no one-size-fits-all approach, one method that consistently stands out for its therapeutic benefits is the simple act of reading. In this post, we will delve into why reading is a positive coping skill for overall mental health improvement, particularly in managing anxiety.

Anxiety disorders affect millions globally, and the pursuit of effective coping strategies is paramount in managing its debilitating effects. Reading offers a unique avenue for individuals to navigate their anxious thoughts and emotions.

Anxiety, characterized by excessive worry, fear, and a sense of impending doom, can be overwhelming. It hijacks our thoughts, leaving us feeling trapped in a cycle of apprehension and distress. However, what many may not realize is that reading can serve as an invaluable tool in breaking this cycle. How does reading do this you might ask?

 1. Distraction and Relaxation

Engaging in a captivating book allows individuals to escape from their immediate stressors. It acts as a distraction, redirecting attention away from anxious thoughts and toward the narrative, giving the mind a chance to relax and recalibrate.

2. Empathy and Understanding

Fictional stories enable readers to step into the world and perspective of diverse characters, fostering empathy and understanding. This alternative perspective can help individuals relate to others’ experiences, providing comfort and a create a sense of connection in moments of isolation.

3. Cognitive Stimulation and Mindfulness

Reading stimulates cognitive processes, enhancing focus and concentration. Moreover, immersion in a book encourages mindfulness, promoting a sense of presence and awareness that can help to decrease anxiety thoughts and symptoms.

In conclusion, incorporating reading into one’s daily routine doesn’t require massive time commitments. Even a few minutes of reading a day can produce significant benefits. Whether it’s starting the day with affirmations, taking a break at midday with a captivating novel, or winding down in the evening with poetry or self-help literature, the key is consistency and finding what resonates personally and keeps you entertained and engaged.

While reading will not serve as a singular solution for managing anxiety, it undoubtedly contributes to an individual’s overall mental wellness toolkit. Its power lies in its versatility, offering an escape, fostering empathy, stimulating the mind, and providing invaluable insights. As a therapist, I encourage integrating reading into self-care practices, recognizing its potential to ease the burden of anxious thoughts.  Remember, seeking professional help alongside incorporating positive coping mechanisms can greatly enhance one’s journey toward mental wellness. So, grab a book, immerse yourself in its world, and let the therapeutic journey begin.

Promote your own self-care with our witty Drink Coffee and Read Good Books coffee mugs.

As a therapist, working woman, wife and mother who struggles with any time to relax and recharge, I decided to ask Chat GPT to view my inquiry as if it were an expert in neuroscience/neurobiology and psychology and to explain to me the data behind “why women cannot relax as easily as their male counterparts”. Below are Chat GPTs’ answers along with my simple rebuttals of that data.

According to Chat GPT, relaxation is a vital aspect of our well-being, playing a crucial role in managing stress and maintaining mental health. However, there’s a fascinating interplay of biology and culture that affects how women and men experience relaxation.

Biological Foundations

To understand the gender differences in relaxation, we must first acknowledge that biological disparities play a role. Some of these differences are rooted in the intricate interplay of hormones and the structure of the brain.

1. Stress Response:

One of the most significant biological distinctions is the way men and women respond to stress. The hypothalamus-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, a complex hormonal system, reacts differently in males and females. Research has shown that women tend to have a more robust stress response, releasing higher levels of cortisol in stressful situations. This heightened reactivity can make it more challenging for women to relax when dealing with stressors.

My answer: My husband can fall asleep after almost any event occurs! A kid gets hurt, we fix them up and he sleeps like a baby, while I replay the incident and think of 18 ways it could have been catastrophic and how to prevent this from ever happening again. Someone is up all-night coughing…he didn’t hear them. We have an argument; he snores happily while I think of rebuttals to the disagreement for hours. Quite frankly, speaking of sleep, I don’t think I have slept a restful, full night sleep since I was 29 (and I am far from 29 now.)

2. Hormonal Fluctuations:

The female body goes through monthly hormonal fluctuations due to the menstrual cycle, which can influence relaxation. Estrogen and progesterone levels vary throughout the month, impacting mood and stress levels. For some women, the premenstrual phase, marked by hormonal imbalances, can be particularly challenging in terms of relaxation.

My answer: First, please keep in mind as women, we do everything… all the time, while our hormones are constantly changing. Each day of the month our hormones change a bit and then our body change more to get ready for ovulation and then the cycle occurs, all the while changing hormones levels on a daily basis and causing chaos in our bodies. We are constantly attempting to manage our bodies during these times while dealing with fluctuation in mood, emotional regulation, and physical symptoms. During this time though we are not supposed to use these changes in hormone levels as an excuse for our behavior and quite frankly it wouldn’t matter if we tried because it has been deemed an unworthy excuse. Then as we get older comes PERIMENOPAUSE. I feel this may be one of the most under discussed, underappreciated and under treated condition that women suffer through. These symptoms can include anxiety and panic, depression, heart palpitations, weight gain, sleepiness, fatigue, headaches, heat flashes, night sweats, hair loss, bone aches, vision changes, migraines, cramping, nausea, blood clotting issues and the list goes on and on and on. Even with all these changes (that can last for years) we press on. We work, we care take, we nurture, we complete exhaustive lists of daily chores and endless tasks all the while expected to adjust to what can only be described as a much longer version of puberty on steroids.

Cultural and Societal Factors

Apart from biological factors, cultural and societal influences also contribute to the disparity in relaxation between men and women.

1. Gender Expectations:

Historically, women have been socialized to take on multiple roles, often as caregivers and homemakers, which can lead to higher levels of stress and responsibility. The weight of these expectations can make it difficult for women to find time for themselves and to unwind.

My Answer: There is literally and figurately too much to do. The minute that a women thinks that she has competed her tasks of things that need to be done, a lonely forgotten sock appears out the corner of her eye that leads to a part of the house that has not been touched by a vacuum in a month which leads to getting out the vacuum which leads to vacuuming the rest of the room and then leads to the staircase where she will inevitably notice the steps have a bunch of crap that need to go upstairs, so up the stairs with the crap she goes, which leads her to bedrooms and from there it’s never going anywhere good or relaxed!

2. Work-Life Balance:

In many cultures, women continue to face disparities in the workplace, often experiencing unequal pay and a lack of opportunities for advancement. These disparities can lead to a constant state of stress, making relaxation elusive.

My Answer: It is still very much the same as it has always been. I know that so many of our male collogues welcome and support women in the workplace, but there is just no way to describe the issues that still plague women in the workplace. It is truly awful to have to beg a boss not to be upset or resentful towards you for leaving to go pick up your child that is puking in the nurse’s office. It is maddening to women how much we do both at work and at home and how little thanks, promotions or increased self-esteem come from any of the hard work. Still, we keep doing it, even though we won’t get paid as much, even though we won’t get praised as much, even though we will show up sick and bleeding for at least 3-7 days out of every single month, we press on hoping for a different future for our daughters while trying to thrive in this one.

Recent Data and Studies

Recent studies have offered valuable insights into the gender differences in relaxation:

1. Work-Life Balance:

Many published studies, conducted over the past ten years, revealed that women are more likely to struggle with work-life balance, which negatively affects their relaxation and overall well-being. This disparity often stems from unequal distribution of household and caregiving responsibilities.

My Answer: No Duh!

2. Social Support:

Research shows that women have stronger social support networks compared to men. While this might seem beneficial, it can also lead to increased demands on women’s time and emotional energy, making it challenging for them to find relaxation opportunities.

My Answer: Men still play!! Just in case you thought I am a male basher or am not a fan of the male species you couldn’t be more wrong. Was raised by a great man, have brothers, love my husband and am raising what I truly hope will be fine young man, so this is honestly a positive attribute that men possess and not a criticism of them at all. Men play golf, poker, recreational sports games, video games. Men make time to allow for their hobbies, friends, and activities, not out of some careless or malicious screw you to their partners, but because they do prioritize their needs and make time for what brings them joy. Women can often gather to talk and vent but many times the events are still related to the work, relationship, kids or family. As women we are inherently bad at this trait of scheduling fun for ourselves, and we need to learn to be better about this and to make time for more joyful and fun experiences in her lives.

Tips for Women to Enhance Relaxation

My Answer first this time: So, Chat GPT and I agree on this list; however, I have tweaked their answers quite a bit to give a better sense of how we women can find more joy and more relaxation.

While the challenges that women face in relaxation are multifaceted, there are several strategies that can help enhance relaxation for women:

1. Self-Care: Prioritize self-care by setting aside time for activities that bring joy and relaxation. This could be reading, practicing mindfulness, or pursuing a hobby. However, in setting aside this time, we must be disciplined and devoted to it, otherwise it will often be skipped. Set yourself up to succeed. Schedule a time at night (or during the day) when you are most likely to get a half hour or hour to yourself and then make sure that time is used for reading, or watching your favorite show, or walking the treadmill, or knitting or facetiming your best friend or whatever brings you joy and a bit of stress relief, but claim that time as your own and stick to the plan.

2. Seek Support: Don’t hesitate to seek support from friends, family, or professionals when needed. Building a robust support system can be particularly helpful in managing stress. Rally the troops when you need them. If you don’t have a troop, rally that one person when you need them, if you don’t have that one person, then guess what, you need to start making it a goal to find some new people in your life or reconnect with some old friends. Its ok if you have let that piece go, many women do, but it’s never too late to start looking for more people to add to your own personal network. We network for work all the time, but your own personal support network is much more important.

3. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no when necessary. Setting boundaries can help prevent overcommitting and reduce the burden of excessive responsibilities. This is often a concept that is easier said than done. Setting boundaries can be very challenging. I like to tell clients to make sure that the strongest boundaries are the ones reserved for the most draining people or events in their lives. This means you can and will bend boundaries for friends and often for family but if you have a person or people in your life that drains your energy, brings absolutely no joy, or worse brings heartache, then strengthen that boundary. Allow only joy through the boundaries and those that bring it to you but keep the boundary tight from the joy stealers.

To Sum It All Up

Chat GPT was not wrong in many of its simplistic reasoning for why women are less relaxed than their male counterparts, but we also know this topic is far from simplistic. Women tend to suck at prioritizing their needs and often find themselves overwhelmed by their responsibilities and tasks and therefore leave little time for hobbies, activities, and socialization that would allow them to break from their responsibilities and thus feel more relaxed. The way we as women find more relaxation is that we prioritize our need for it. We understand that we deserve to have hobbies, spend time with friends, enjoy some quiet time, watch a movie, binge a show, read a book, and walk outside, and truly understand that in doing so we are not lazy, we are not selfish, we are just human beings looking for joy and a bit of peace.

In the depths of despair recently (and by despair, I mean a mental crossroads where anxiety and depression were colliding together at the same intersection) I began arguing with myself in my head.  My period cycle had started, impromptu and unwelcomed and of course heavier than normal; I had a full day of work ahead and loads of youth sports to attend late into the afternoon and evening and in one part thinking, one part screaming to myself in my head I thought…” come on body can you give me a freaking break for once.” Just as the words processed through my brain, my thoughts came alive in disagreement and anger as an immediate rebuttal to that statement came into my head. The question I immediately flashed on was…. what would my body say back to me if it could?  With lightning speed, a barrage of comments began to formulate in my mind.  With a weird sense of assurance, I knew that my body would scream back at me “Are you freaking kidding me? Work with you for a moment?  We haven’t slept for more than six straight hours in months. You spend day and night worrying about the kids and keep our blood pressure and heart rate through the roof constantly. You don’t feed us adequately for the energy level that you require of us, you don’t hydrate us appropriately for how much you run us to the ground. You expect us to be sharp, you expect us to perform well at work, you expect us to do all the schedules and extra activities for the family, you expect us to clean your house, be physically active make sure we have the energy that is needed throughout our day and evening. You expect us to stay sharp enough to remember everything…know all the answers to all the questions and get angry when we forget a few! We ask that you give us a break! Where are the books, you swore we were going to have time to read? Where are the hours of binge-watching TV shows you swore we were going to sit and watch?  What about all the self-care items we bought from the store that you promised we were going to start using every night before bed? There are things WE require to keep US functioning and YOU need to start giving us a break!”

Now I admit that I can be self-critical (and clearly very imaginative) and when I allow my thoughts to wander, they can find my faults quickly, but this thought stream was very accurate and a necessary one. I do run this ship at full speed and expect more. It was truly sobering to think that this is what my body would like to tell me if it had the power to do so. It’s not as if I don’t desire to do all those things and it’s not as if I wouldn’t understand my body’s disagreement and sheer anger at me for the lack of follow-through on several of those items. As women, I am not sure if we ever really grasp the demands that we place on our bodies and our minds and the constant scrutiny that it is under. I need to work harder to recognize the overall needs of my body as a whole and that does start with prioritizing self-care. I challenge you to ask your body what it wants to tell you, it knows more than you think.

In the realm of mental wellness, it’s not uncommon for individuals to grapple with regrets from their past. Regret is a complex emotion that can haunt our minds, casting a shadow over our present and future. But what if I told you that the concept of regret might be nothing more than our imagination crafting a scenario where a past event could have played out favorably if only, we had made a different choice? Let’s explore the concept of regret and what it does to our mental health.

Understanding Regret

Regret is an emotion that arises when we feel sorrow or disappointment over something we did or didn’t do in the past. It often carries a heavy burden, making us wish we could turn back time and make a different decision. While it’s natural to experience regret, it’s essential to understand that it doesn’t always reflect reality.

The Power of Imagination

Our imagination is a remarkable tool, but it can also be a double-edged sword. When we look back at our past decisions through the lens of regret, our imagination can concoct elaborate narratives. These narratives often involve alternative and almost magical scenarios where a different choice would have led to a happier outcome. While it’s healthy to reflect on past experiences, our imagination can take us down a rabbit hole of “what-ifs” or “should have beens’” that isn’t productive or healthy for our overall mental health.

Regret’s False Narrative

Regret often leads us to believe that if only we had made a different choice, everything would be better today. We imagine scenarios where we’re living our dream life, free from the consequences of our past actions. However, this narrative is inherently flawed because it disregards these three crucial facts:

1. Limited Perspective: In the moment, we make decisions based on the information and emotions we have at thattime. Hindsight provides a broader perspective, but it doesn’t negate the validity of our past choices.

2. Butterfly Effect: Changing one decision can have a domino effect, leading to entirely different outcomes, some of which may not be favorable.

3. Learning Opportunities:  Regret can be a powerful teacher. It encourages self-reflection and personal growth. Avoiding mistakes may also mean missing out on valuable life lessons.

Embracing a Different Perspective

Rather than dwelling on regrets and the false narratives our imagination constructs, consider these alternative approaches:

1. Acceptance:  Acknowledge that you made the best decision you could at the time with the information you had at that moment.

2. Learn and Grow: Use regret as a stepping stone for personal growth and self-improvement. What can you learn from your past choices? What choices will you make next time? Which choices will you make sure to never repeat?

3. Focus on the Present: Redirect your energy from the past to the present moment. What can you do now to create a better future? What is the next “best” decision to make for myself right now?

Conclusion: Releasing the Grip of Regret

In the world of mental wellness, understanding the relationship between regret and imagination is crucial. Regret often stems from our imagination’s tendency to craft unrealistic narratives about the past. By recognizing these narratives for what they are—products of our imagination—we can free ourselves from the grip of regret. Instead, we can channel our energy into the present moment, where we have the power to shape our future positively.

Years ago, I offended one of my closest friends by giving her what I thought was the compliment of a lifetime. She was anxious about an incident that occurred at her job and within the anxiety about the situation was the fear that someone at work would not think that she was “nice.”  I immediately responded, in a matter that I thought was known by all, “Of course not, why do you care, you are not a nice person.” After the crushing blow of my sentence had finished, I could see immediately the hurt in her beautiful face.

One of the things that I have noticed over the years in collaborating with clients, especially our female population is that we are still consumed with the idea of being labeled and perceived as nice. But what is a nice girl? A nice girl never really says anything unpleasant which equates to never really telling the truth or what is on her mind. A nice girl simply sits with her smile on her face always agreeing sweetly to everything that everyone says and never expressing an opinion of truth of her own, in the fear that others will find her mean or be displeased or angry.

Now, let me tell you that I did follow up on my comment to my bestie by telling her that she was one of the kindest people I had ever met in my entire life, and I still stand by that today. I mean she is the…come over as soon as she thinks you need anything, take donations for needy families, make you a lasagna when you’re sad, pick up your kid for you so you can have a break type of kind female. The notion that a woman such as her should worry that someone would think she isn’t nice, is astounding. The idea that we as women should and need to be nice is irrelevant anymore, we are kind human beings. We care deeply about how others feel, we sympathize and empathize with others’ pain. We are constantly in a state of flux caught between our own emotions and our loved ones’ emotions. We will do anything for the people that we love, we will sacrifice our time, our money, and even our emotional wellness to help out. We are the kindest souls that this planet has ever produced, but we don’t have to be nice and sweet to be kind. We can tell others that we disagree with them, and we can do it with kindness, we can tell others that they not acting in a way that we agree with, but we will do it with kindness.  We no longer need to worry about whether others think we are nice girls. We are kind human beings, and that is all that we owe to ourselves and the universe.

So, perimenopause is an absolute nightmare! Here are some of the facts about perimenopause before we get into the personal stuff.

The general length of perimenopause varies for each woman, but on average, it lasts about four to eight years. Perimenopause not only affects a woman physically but can also have a profound impact on their mental wellness. Hormonal fluctuations can contribute to mood swings, irritability, and heightened emotional sensitivity. Women can also experience increased anxiety, depression, or feelings of being overwhelmed during, sleep disturbances resulting from night sweats or racing thoughts can further exacerbate these emotional challenges.  Another lovely symptom I experienced from my journey towards menopause are heart palpitations due to constant changes in my hormones and my body’s consistent attempts to regulate itself.

Now let me first clarify to anyone that reads this, anytime you have issues or concerns about your heart regardless of perimenopause or menopause influences, make sure that you consult your physician. I began with my primary care physician expressing my concerns and ruled out any heart issues (even wore a heart monitor for a few days and the heart was fine). After tests were completed, it was determined that my palpitations were most likely influenced by hormonal changes and anxious episodes connected to hormonal changes. Isn’t that lovely? To make matters worse, it was suggested to me to decrease my caffeine intake to see if this would decrease the frequency of the palpitations.

I should tell you that coffee is to me as alcohol is to other people. I love the smell, colors, textures, and flavors. I love dousing it with my high dosed sugar- filled creamer and having several large mugs full before 10am, so asking me to give this up was an abominable thought and an even more insurmountable task. I began with substituting half regular ground coffee beans and half decaffeinated in my coffee pots daily for several weeks and then switched to full on decaf. Now, I know what you’re thinking, what’s the point of still drinking decaf coffee, why not just give the coffee up completely? The point is, I still need the taste and smell! Perimenopause can take the caffeine by I am still fighting to the death for the coffee itself.

Here is my 3 months post caffeine report. I do not feel incredibly different! What I mean by this is, I do not feel “clearer in the morning” or “free of the afternoon sluggish feelings” I am still exhausted between 1pm and 2pm daily no matter what. However, I will admit that I have had a significant decrease in those damn palpitations. I am still incredibly pissed that perimenopause gets to control so many aspects of my life and overall wellbeing but I thought I would share this info and tell you that although it saddens me to be off the caffeine (except for the occasional Diet Dr Pepper because dah, its Diet Dr. Pepper) it did help me decrease this particular perimenopause symptom and I have found some really good decaf coffees along the way that helped to make the switch a bit easier on my soul.

Imagine this scenario, you wake up on a Saturday and decide to have a relaxing day. Maybe you sleep in late, make a good breakfast and then spend the whole day binge watching your favorite shows. Maybe you throw in some laundry, maybe you don’t. Maybe you wash some dishes, maybe you don’t, maybe you shower, but probably not. You just have a lazy comfy slow-paced Saturday, and you feel great about it, until…. you decide to scroll through your social media pages and see what everyone else did with their perfectly comfy Saturday. Some of your friends had brunch plans, some people took the most amazing pictures outdoors, some went on hike or a bar crawl, some went shopping and found the best deals ever, one person re-organized her whole house and added bookshelves while another made a homemade wreath out of things purchased from the dollar store. Now and all the sudden you start to say to yourself, “Shit, what a waste, I did nothing with my day!”.

For most people, this happens several times a day. So many of us feel simply fine about our minute by minute decisions until later in the day or night when we compare our choices to the choices of our peers and then all the sudden our perception changes. In a brief moment we can go from feeling genuinely good and then mere seconds later (after checking social media accounts) instantly begin to feel like you have no plans, OR only subpar plans, OR you are left out of something, OR you feel lazy, OR you feel your relationship is not as good as someone else’s, but prior to checking social media you didn’t have any of those negative thoughts or feelings. THAT’S THE TRIGGERING EVENT. There is your evidence that social media is a huge trigger in your life that can cause you increased feelings of anxiety and/or feelings of negativity.

What can you do to change this trigger?  You can modify this trigger one of three ways: Experiment, Set boundaries or straight up Detox. Here are examples of all three:

Choice 1:   Experiment-Run a test on yourself.

Try to get through half of your day without social media. For instance, do not check any of your social media accounts until after lunchtime every day for one week. Before your noon time check, take note of how you feel in general and then compare this feeling to how you feel after you have scrolled through your social media pages. If after viewing some people’s pictures, comments or posts you feel more irritable, angry, down, or anxious then you can easily see the effects of social media on your mood.

 Choice 2:      Set Boundaries-Limit your time on social media daily.        

Allow your self two hours per day. One hour in the morning and one hour in the later part of the day (but NOT before you go to bed.) Sometimes when we limit our exposure the effects of these images and triggers decrease in their strength because they are not constant all day long. Two bursts of this influence a day does less damage than images throughout the entire day.

 Choice 3:      Detox- Take an extended period off.

Can you go a whole 24-hour period without checking your social media? Can you go two days? What if you did? Would you feel more motivated to do other things, would you feel less stressed or less anxious? Would you feel better about what YOU did today when you are not comparing your day to other peoples? Try this and see. If you feel better when you decrease your exposure to social media, then you want to allow these detox days to occur more frequently to give your emotions a break.

Identifying triggers that tend to have a negative impact on our mental health is so important and social media has proven itself to be a strong trigger for many people.  Hopefully, using these techniques above can help to reduce the effects of social media on your emotions and mood.

4 stages in evaluating your feelings after your partner cheats.

How about we talk about cheating! I am going to go down the therapist rabbit hole and tell you what I learned from couples counseling back in the day. Brace yourself, the following may surprise many of you. The whole “once a cheater always a cheater” thing is not really a thing. Now, yes there are people, both men and women, who may have deep issues with commitment and there are also those that have addictive issues with sex, but in general relationship terms, “once a cheater always a cheater” is what we tell ourselves to feel better when someone cheats on us. Here is the reality of your relationship if someone cheats on you. YOU must determine what YOU will do with the relationship after someone cheats.

Stage 1: The “must get them back” phase

When someone cheats we are devastated: we cry, we yell, and  tell them off, we throw things, we eat or don’t eat, depending on our emotional bandwidth and we can sometimes feel so lost that we often want them back. Why? Why do we want them back? Quite simply, the thought of NOT having them to text, snap, send pictures too, have sex with and complain to, feels so abnormal and painful that we just go into “get them back mode”. We want everything to go back to the way it was and begin to believe that if they are sorry enough, it can work…hopefully. Many people get back together during this phase.

Stage 2: What type of cheater are they?

If I am being totally and professionally honest with you, in some cases, working it out can absolutely happen. Listen, not everyone that cheats prove to be a horrid or commitment phobic person. There are plenty of people who got way too carried away with someone or got drunk and can’t even fully remember that they actually did what everyone says they did. Those people feel utterly and deplorably embarrassed, sad, and scared to the death that they are going to lose the person that they genuinely love. Those people might never cheat again (there are no guarantees). If the person is remorseful and wants to remain faithful, then the survival of the relationship depends on the mindset of the person who gets cheated on and what they believe.

 Stage 3: Can I forgive?

IF the person who cheated truly has no plans or desires to ever cheat again and you take them back, then the relationship will fail or thrive based on you, not them. If you remind them every time there is a disagreement, that they cheated in the past, they will eventually leave you (which will infuriate you because you forgave them for cheating. How dare they leave you!). Alternatively, if you morph into becoming the “tracker” who makes sure that their partner is everywhere they say they are OR become obsessed with checking their social media pages and text messages, they will also leave you. Why? Because you are not the same person in the relationship anymore. Due to the cheating you became a different partner because they cheated. You never got over it.

If you forgive someone who has cheated on you, there are two basic questions to ask yourself:

1. Do I believe this person when they tell me that this was a mistake and will not happen again?
2. Can I move on from this, meaning if I forgive them, can I let this go? Can I agree to open communication about my hurt feelings and about trust, but also agree not to use the cheating as a weapon?

If you can do those two things, then the relationship may be successful. If you cannot do both, then you should really think about letting the relationship go.

Stage 4: Make your choice and figure out if change is required.

Now, lets say that you are someone who is in a relationship with a partner who is actively and consistently cheating on you. Well now that’s the most interesting kind of relationship! Why?  Because we are just in some sort of competition to win and valid ourselves aren’t, we? It becomes US versus NEW girl or boy. If you are in this game of competition, the cheating will continue, guaranteed and here’s why (make a note, this applies to so much in life) ….ONLY WHEN WE WANT SOMETHING THAT WE DO NOT HAVE, DO WE MAKE ANY CHANGES.

Not sure about this? Don’t know what I mean? Follow these examples: if I want more money: I work more hours, I want a better career: I go to school, I want a better car: I save money, I want sobriety: cease alcohol, I want my cholesterol to go down: I eat better. All of these are action plans that bring about change towards something that I want. Predominantly, it’s the desire for something that we do not currently have that evokes the most change.  If I have everything that I want, I change nothing. I am content.

Lets imagine I have a partner (person A) who makes me feel really good about myself and loves and supports me.  Let us also imagine that I have another person (person B) who also makes me feel great about myself.  I am feeling very loved all around right?  Now, when person A finds out about person B, maybe they scream, yell, cry, argue but if person A desperately fights to get me back, in many cases I will not change a thing about my behavior. Why would I have to?  I never really loose person A (and remember they really take care of my needs) AND I get to explore with other people because it’s clear that person A loves me and will most likely forgive me if I repeat these behaviors. I am confident that I will not lose person A.

Reversely, lets say that the complete opposite happens. Let us imagine that person A is done with me after my cheating. They are hurt, they feel lied to and deceived, and they want nothing to do with me anymore. They have blocked me from all contact, and they have no desires to speak or hear from me at all.  Eventually I may begin to worry…what if someone else comes along and sweeps them off their feet and into the sunset of happily ever after. Then, and only then, am I starting to freak out. I know that I have messed up and I know that I need to change because this person will not have it; they will really move forward with their life and onto someone new and leave me for good. They are not scared to move on without me. If I am in love with them and I miss them, then I will be motivated to change.

Remember we only change our current behaviors when we want or desire something that we do not have.

Ladies Can We Talk Guide

4 Steps to determine if you are fixing too much for your kids.

Our kids…we love them, they are our hearts, we would give our lives for them; however, what we are NOT doing for them maybe a larger problem.  We seem to be unwilling to let them feel any kind of emotional discomfort or unhappiness or unease. When did we get to a place in our minds, where we feel that our children SHOULD NOT have to feel any of the same heart aches that we went through? Somewhere during us falling in love with these small little beings, we deduced that it was our job to make their lives easier than ours (emotionally speaking), less stressful and less difficult, but do we really believe that this is a thing that we can or should do? The reality is that life is hard and full of challenges and we need to prepare out kids to handle life’s challenges.

Now, let me clearly state, no child should ever be physically, emotionally or mentally abused, EVER!  Mommas, you attack like a lioness if that’s what is occurring.  In addition, these steps are not directed to anyone whose child has special needs or a diagnosed condition or medical issue that requires a parent to be an advocate for that child.  In those circumstances it is imperative that you advocate relentlessly for your child. Advocating for a child who needs assistance/protection, resources or medical care is not the same as arguing with your child’s coach about playing time in a game.

Let’s evaluate how much help is too much help.

STEP 1. Am I helping them to navigate difficulties?

Here is the part I want to point out; our children will soon be young adults, adults who need to be able cope and adjust to their bosses, peers, co-workers, boyfriends/girlfriends, landlords, etc. We will not be able to email their college professors and fix their issues of tardiness because he or she is just not a morning person. We cannot tell their boss to be kinder to our son or daughter because they need extra time for their deadlines or tell their boss that they should have extra vacation time to rest. Our kids will need to manage these issues on their own and they will need to have the tools to do this.

If we do not coach them on how to do this, how will they feel confident and less anxious about it in the future? I am not attacking anyone who has done these “fixer tasks” because I know it has been done with only good intentions (at least when I did it, that’s what I thought I was doing).  It is out of love that we have become the “fixers” for our kids. But it is our job to love them through the difficult times, not to deceive them into thinking they don’t exist.

Step 2: Did I have to go through any of the same things when I was a kid?

Think back mommas, please!  I don’t know about you and your mom, but when I got cut from a sports team my mom said “oh no, that stinks, I am so sorry” and that was the end of that conversation. She did not make calls, send emails, or create a whole new team centered around me. She felt bad that I was hurting and she walked me through the hurt and assured me that life would still go on and would be good again, even without the spot on the team and guess what, it was.

You know what I learned from that? I learned that I would not get everything that I wanted when I wanted it. That jobs and promotions would not always be mine because I wanted them or because my mom said it should be. There is great strength to be gained from not getting something that you wanted and let’s be honest, more of that happens in our lives than the alternative.

Step 3: Am I just managing my feelings of being sad and hurt for my kid by fixing it for them?

Full disclosure, I have had to learn my own lessons in this subject. One of my kids wanted to play her chosen sport for a more competitive league, so off we went, and she made it on this very competitive team. Enter our first experience with a coach that yelled…A LOT. So, as any mom would, I started to think that this was a big mistake, no one should really yell that much, right? Fixer mom that I was being, started to think of new places to try out for my daughter who clearly was getting anxiety from the yelling. Sounds logical right and then WHAMMO, my kid tells me in a conversation a few weeks later that she loves, loves, loves this coach, and that she won’t get better if he doesn’t tell her what to do…. WHAT? So, I was completely and utterly wrong. Truth was, I was having a hard time with it, she wasn’t. And then it hit me. It was not my job to convince everyone else (including her coach) that my child was beautiful and special and amazing, it was my job as her mom, to make her believe that SHE is beautiful and special and amazing in her own skin. So why are we not allowing our children to cope with disappointments or challenges? Is it because we cannot stand it ourselves? We just cannot cope with watching. Are we not as strong as all the women before us that walked us through life’s disappointments? Where is our strength to tell our kids that they are more than that class, or that teacher, or that sports position, or that part in a play? Our mothers didn’t fix everything for us for a reason, they knew that life would teach us lessons and their job was to help us navigate through those lessons.  These days we feel nothing should make OUR children sad or disappointed, that is not love, that is an inability to cope…for everyone. WE ARE BETTER AND STRONGER THAN THAT.

For example, we don’t have to request the perfect teacher for our kid, we have to help them deal with a teacher they don’t necessarily like. We don’t have to send emails to get our kid the lead in a play, we can make sure that they are the best at the role that they are given. We don’t have to argue with a coaches if our kids want to improve or play more in games, we can ask our kid, “want to practice more on the weekends or get some additional training lessons?”. We can do these things because we were taught how, and we owe our kids the same knowledge.

Step 4. Not fixing as much….

If you find you have been a “fixer” (with only the best of intentions), just begin to help your kids, coach them, guide them, but do not fix their problems for them.  We learn the most and gain more self-confidence when we learn to problem solve and cope with disappointments. These lessons are so important.  Be their biggest cheerleader. Make sure they know that they can get through anything, and that they are loved and supported but fixing every issue for them depicts a mirage of a life that you cannot maintain throughout their adult years. Learning how to cope is a necessity and we are well equipped as moms to help them cope with anything life throws at them.

Use this trick to improve productivity now!

Jedi minds, that is what we all need. To have the power to still our minds, focus and fully complete each task…well that is the dream isn’t it?  However, this is not how most minds work. Many people go through a day and see all the projects and tasks that they have started but never finish. If you suffer from issues of focus and attention here is one simple trick to begin to train your brain to finish what it starts.

“Touch it once”

Before I adapted to this concept my morning routines (and household) looked something like this…

I would wake up and go to start the coffee machine, open the fridge to pull out the coffee tin (that is where we keep ours), then I would see that my kids lunches were not finished, so of course that needs to be handled.  After finishing the lunches, I would shimmy on over to place them in the kids backpacks that are housed in the laundry room. Once in the laundry room, I would see my daughter’s soccer shirt that needs to be ready for game day tomorrow, so obviously I start a load of laundry. After the laundry is started its time to wake up the kids and at some point I inevitably glance over and catch sight of the open refrigerator door and the coffee on the counter that was never started and the lunch bags still sitting on top of the washing machine and wonder to myself, how it is that I did not fully accomplish anything? Well, there are many reasons; admittedly, I am a bit focus challenged, I have a lot of things on my mind and many tasks a day that need to be done. So how do I fix this when my “things to do list” will never get smaller? 

The answer is both simple and difficult. My constant mantra now is “touch it once”. If I go to start the coffee and I see those lunch bags I must tell myself (repeatedly) to finish the coffee first and completely, because I will not come back to it. Make the coffee all at once. Touch the coffee tin once and only once and put it back. Sounds simple enough but it does take work and repetitive self-talk. When I go to bring the lunches in and I see the soccer shirt, I have to finish with the lunches because I have already touched them, there is no putting them down and coming back to them. The idea of coming back to a task after I start, is a lie I tell myself that always backfires into chaos.

A few more practical examples of how this works:

*Headed to the mailbox? Bring in the mail and touch it once. Go through the recyclable items first, throw out what you do not want and then place bills wherever they should go to be paid and done with that task. 

*Putting dishes in the sink? Wash them then because you will not come back to them later.

*Read an email knowing that you must respond? Respond now because you will not later.

*Have a form that needs to be signed? Sign it now! Do not put it on the kitchen counter for later, because it will be forgotten.

*Got an invite that needs to go in your phone calendar? Put it in the minute you get the invite and its done.

“TOUCH IT ONCE” WILL HELP YOU TRAIN YOUR BRAIN TO FOCUS AND IMPROVE TASK COMPLETION.

Try this Daily Organizational Workflow Chart to assist to train your brain at work!

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