4 Easy Steps to Stop Procrastinating TODAY.

How To Stop Procrastinating and Get Things Done

Did you know that procrastination causes anxiety? The tasks or activities that we keep putting off will just recycle and ruminate in our brains all day and night and bleed into the next day. Our brains are aware of what is looming, what needs to be done and what tasks are still awaiting completion. The “things to do list” causes repeated stress and in turn anxiety. So how do we make some progress with procrastination? Follow these four simple steps to make a dent in the dreaded things to do list.

Step 1: Identify what MUST be done.
Keep it super simplistic. Pick only 1 or 2 things, from the ever-growing list, that have been driving you crazy OR that MUST get done today. Keep it limited to just a couple of tasks. The goal is to get something done, not everything done.

Step 2: Do the task before anything else.
The item that has been identified, that MUST be done today, must be done first. This part is so important! Understand that we WILL put it off because we don’t want to do it, it is that simple. Beware of all the typical things we tell ourselves, “I will do it later, I will do it after I rest, I will do it after work, I will do it tonight.” NO, YOU WON’T! It must be done first, or it will not get done…period.

Step 3: Bargain with yourself to get it done.
If you want to play Xbox, you play as soon as you get the task done. If you want to go shopping (at the store or online), tell yourself you can shop as soon as you are done. If you want to watch a new series, reward yourself with your binge watching as soon as you are done the task.

Step 4: Feel good about getting it done!
Feel all the feelings! Celebrate the relief of getting something done. One less thing to worry about today. Pick 1 (or 2) new things for the next day and repeat.  One a day is a doable process and will lessen that sinking feeling of procrastination.

****USE THIS SIMPLE DAILY WORKFLOW SHEET TO HELP ORGANIZE YOUR WORKDAY.

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A Woman knows

Only a woman can relate….

If women were to support each other, admire each other and not engage in female bashing of each other, imagine how our lives would be. All too many times I listen to women criticize other women about their look, about how much they work or how little they work, their boyfriends, their girlfriends, their houses, their cars, their kids, their parenting, it goes on and on. Here is the piece that we need to accept, all of us women are a part of the same club. This club fuses us together in a way that no other group can. We have strength in our numbers, but we have yet to see how unified and how similar we are. The following are just a few examples of the threads that bind us, although I know that there are thousands more every woman could add to this list!

Only a woman knows what it is like to be in a small room of people and be very aware that you are the only female in the room.

Only a woman knows what it is like when someone stares at you too long and makes you feel unsafe. 

Only a woman knows what it is like to run to your car in a dark parking lot because you may or may not have heard footsteps.

Only a woman plans out how to hold all her bags and lock her door as quickly as possible.

Only a woman has imagined how she would fight off someone who wants to attack her.

Only a woman knows what it is like to check the back seat of your car, just in case someone broke in.

Only a woman knows how uncomfortable our clothes feel versus men’s clothing.

Only a woman understands the adjustment to bras, tampons, pads and learning your period will, in one way or another, be a part of your life for years and years.

Only a woman knows the daily fight with her bra.

Only a woman knows the struggle to allow themselves to be athletic or competitive and yet still worry if people think they are nice.

Only a woman knows what it’s like to be called a bitch often and constantly.

Only a woman gets cut down, labeled, and shamed for having sex, while men get revered.

Only a woman knows what it’s like to watch a man’s eyes roam in places that it shouldn’t when she is trying to have a professional conversation or ANY conversation. 

Only a woman knows how hard it is to get respect in the workplace, still.

Only a woman knows that we can work harder and more efficient than our male counterparts and we still will not earn what our male counterparts earn and yet we show up to work, every damn day. 

Only a woman knows that feeling in the pit of your stomach when your partner cheats.

Only a woman knows the look in the eyes of a woman who is in a toxic relationship.

Only a woman knows the immediate, reflexive fear that comes when someone grabs you unexpectedly.

Only a woman knows what it’s like when a complete stranger decides they have the right to touch you, grab you, pinch you or smack you.

Only a woman knows the moment of anxiety that builds when you realize that an argument with a male could turn physical.

Only a woman knows what it is like to watch two females humiliate themselves fighting over a relationship.

Only a woman can pick out the female in a bar (within minutes) that should be watched and taken home by someone trustworthy.

Only a woman will answer the call from a friend in need anytime day or night.

Only a woman will often sacrifice her needs willingly, for the ones they love.

Only a woman knows how utterly frustrating it is when the tears come and the absolute last thing in the world you want to be, is crying.

Only a woman knows what it is like to have a male say to them “are you on your period” because you show emotions.

Only a woman knows what it’s like to have your favorite pair of pants, or night out or amazing vacation ruined by your period.

Only a woman knows what goes through your head when your period is late.

Only a woman knows what its like when your period comes unexpectedly.

Only a woman can understand the ability of a body that can grow and birth a child AND only a woman can know the depths and sometimes heart break of that process.

Only a woman can see in another woman’s eye’s what the loss of a child can do to a mother’s soul.

Only a woman will stand up, in defense of another woman’s child, simply because this child is someone’s baby.

Only a woman can have empathy and sadness for days over someone else’s heartache.

If only we women knew just how utterly strong, we are and if we could just commit to standing shoulder to shoulder with each other and not against or in criticism of each other, imagine what this world would look like. Only a woman would know.

Happiness….Maybe

The key to happiness, may just be…..

Maybe happiness is quite simply an emotion, like all other emotions. Maybe it is supposed to be as fleeting as all other emotions in our lives. Maybe it is just as powerful and quick to come and go as anger, frustration, joy, laughter and pain. Maybe happiness can last a few days or a few seconds. What if the key to happiness proves not to be in the distorted notion that some people are gifted more of it than others, but more about how a person treasures it and embraces it for the short time that it appears. Maybe.

5 Tips For Better Sleep

Is having a sleep routine really that important?

Sleep over the past few months has been a problem for many of us.  Our current climate of dealing with a devastating pandemic has left many of us desperate for peaceful sleep. How important is sleep to our health anyway? Not only is sleep important, it is imperative to your overall wellness. Think about this, if you leave your car running all night long you will have some serious problems in the morning right? Well, the same is true for your entire body. During night time sleep, your body gets rest, powers down, and rejuvenates for the next day. Therapists and psychiatrists think sleep is so important that it is one of the initial questions we ask any new patient….“tell me about your sleep pattern”.

So, what is a good sleep pattern/sleep hygiene?  Your sleep hygiene or sleep routine should be as consistent as any of your other daily hygiene routines. The following are tips for creating a healthy sleep hygiene.

TIP 1: Pick your time wisely!

Identify a time when you need to be in bed, that would allow you to get a minimum of 8 hours of sleep per night.  If you have young children, 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep can sometimes be a laughable concept, but in general, pick your time with the sheer hope and wish of sleep.        

TIP 2: Stop all electronic usage at your designated “sleep time”.

Do not look at your phone after you have decided it is time to get into bed. This means, even if you use your phone as an alarm clock, turn the face of your phone over and the notifications off.  Keep in mind, if you do not put your phone face down, the constant lights/sounds from your phone will signal your brain to be awake and alert which is why it is necessary to turn it over.

TIP 3: Attention T.V. USERS- if you use a TV show to fall asleep use your sleep timer and pick the right show.

Make sure to keep the volume of the television show so low that you need to almost close your eyes to hear it better and use the sleep timer on your remote, so that the light and sound  from the TV eventually turns off during the night.  Keep in mind, if the TV remains on all night long, the light from the TV can keep you in and out of your sleep rhythm during the night and keep you from getting the deep sleep that you need.

Also, pick your shows wisely!! Re-runs are great when you are trying to fall asleep because you don’t really care about the endings. Don’t over-invest in a new show at bedtime, you will get too excited and you will stay up way too late.

TIP 4: If you typically have problems falling asleep, try reading.

Reading can tire the eyes and send signals for sleep to the brain. Pick a book that is not too exciting and not too suspenseful, but something that you will want to read for a bit and that will allow those eyes to get nice and tired.

TIP 5: Keep your routine the same every night.

If you use a sound machine, use it every night.  If you read, read every night in bed.  If you use the TV, use it every night.  Your brain will begin to use these events/things as reminders that it is time to prepare for sleep and will begin to send signals for your whole body to power down and ready for sleep.

Of course there are so many other things that can interrupt even the best of routines, such as: stress, grief, children, fear, hormonal changes, mood changes, anxiety attacks and so many additional reasons why sleep can become challenging, but for those who are seeking to learn to create a simple plan for more conducive sleep patterns, these tips may help.

Reach out to the Extroverts!!

 

Differences in Introverts & Extroverts during COVID-19.

Through the past two weeks, we have been isolating and forced to decrease our socialization with others. For some introverts, this has been an easier transition. If you are an introvert, the endless running “things to do” list in your head has made its way to actually, “things that are getting done”.  If you are an introvert by nature, you are built for alone time, quiet time, projects and solitary activities.

HOWEVER, I beg you my fellow introverts, please be kind to your extrovert friends during this time. Extroverts draw energy from being with others.   They get re-charged and refueled by social engagements and being with others in any type of outing, whether it be large or small.  They are struggling right now. Extroverts can become more down, depressed and anxious now more than ever.

So, for those of us introverts out there (and keep in mind, introverts usually have many people in their lives who are extroverts; we love them so much because they don’t let us live our lives indoors for too long) we need to show some extra kindness, support and attention to our beloved extroverts during this time.

If you have someone in your life who just thrives on being out and about, socialize with them via Face Time or Zoom or any other way to bring them into your life. It will mean the world to them and those few minutes of social time will help to rejuvenate them.

Socializing is important for us all during this time and we need to learn creative ways to remain connected to one another.  Introverts keep in mind, even we can run out of things to put on our “things to do list” (maybe) and we will need those small pockets of social interactions to remind us that we are connected to others and that we too need to be connected to others.

Introverts need extroverts and vice versa. It is within these relationships that we maintain a sense of balance in our social lives and we can only get this sense of balance from each other.

Good luck to us all as we redefine healthy socialization during COVID-19.

 

5 Ways to decrease anxiety when stuck indoors

In times when being indoors is unavoidable, here are five simple tips to help decrease anxiety.

Tip 1-Routine is everything

When we are relaxing on summer vacation, we want no reminders of our daily schedule and that is perfectly ok! However, in times when being indoors for an extended period of time is forced upon us, keeping a similar daily routine helps to provide us with comfort, stability and sense of control. Try to keep as close to your normal routine as possible. Keep to a similar rotuine of eating meals and wake time/bedtime (or as close to normal as possible.) This will help to keep your natural daily sleep and wake system in check.

Tip 2-Planning is essential

Planning out your day will help. You do not have to plan hour by hour, but when we are already bored we have an extremely hard time conjuring up things to do, having them prepared ahead of time will be useful.

Tip 3-Social communication is actually necessary

Make time for FaceTime calls, or Zoom chats OR good old fashion phone conversations. This will help you feel connected to others while chipping away at the long hours inside.

Tip 4- Limit news and social media

Whether it be threat of bad weather or threat of a virus, too much information can and will change our anxiety state and overall mood. Limit your time watching news programs and social media updates, to no more than one hour in the morning and one hour in the late afternoon. This is plenty of time to stay up to date on needed information. You will find that during the hours that you avoid these images, reports and updates, anxiety can decrease and feelings of  hope can reappear.

Tip 5-Always listen to Mr. Rogers

One of the most kind, friendly and beautiful minds of his time. Mr. Rogers told us to always look for the helpers. When there is threat of storms and outages, there are helpers, when there is illness and sickness there are helpers, when there are people in need and hunger, there are helpers. They will remind you of all the good in the world and it will remind us all of our parts to play in it. Whether our own role is to comfort our children, call to check on our neighbors or spread positive thoughts of praise and kindness to those people who are the helpers, we will all feel better if we look for the good. 

 

5 Tips for Finding The Right Therapist

Finding the right therapist can be exhausting and sometimes a very costly experience. Here are a few tips (from a therapist) on finding the right therapist.

1. CHECK YOUR INSURANCE

No, not every insurance provides great coverage for mental health; however even a portion of coverage can be extremely helpful.  Your insurance carrier can provide you with a list of certified providers in your area that are at least covered (in some parts) under your plan. This can be helpful if you will be seeing someone frequently. This will also help you to know that they have been properly vetted by the insurance carrier and will give you a place to start looking for a therapist, in a process that can seem overwhelming.

2. CHECK WITH YOUR EMPLOYER FOR AN EAP OPTION

If you work for a company that offers what is called an EAP (Employee Assistance Program/Plan)  take advantage of this program. This is program was developed to assist employees in finding therapeutic services.  In many cases, your employer contributes to a portion of your initial sessions. It often has a quantity attached to it, some companies may provide assistance for the initial session or a few sessions and there are some companies that provide for much more, but it is a huge benefit to utilize when you are initially seeking therapy services. 

3. GATHER NAMES FROM OTHER PROVIDERS

Primary care offices, Obgyn practitioners, and many other health care providers have a large number of local psychiatrist and therapists that they can recommend to their patients, so don’t be afraid to ask. Also, a huge resource of information can often be found in your closest network of family and friends. If you are comfortable talking to your family and friends about seeking a therapist, they too may a have the name of someone.

4. RESEARCH YOUR OPTIONS

Once your insurance company has given you referrals, or you have received referral information from your primary care, or friends/ family, do your research!  Every therapist now a days has a website or bio attached to them. A simple google search of their name and possibly their practice name or town in which they practice, should allow you to see their updated profiles. Read these profiles! Their bios can tell you a number of things about them, it can include years practicing, training, specialties, and therapeutic approaches. Also, set yourself up to succeed. Check with the offices of each provider and ask about the therapists office hours and days per week that they are in that office. If you need night time appointments, make sure that you are seeking someone with those particular hours. If you prefer a female or a male, look for those therapists first. If you want to work with someone who does more behavioral therapy techniques, ask those questions when you call their office, before making an appointment.  

5. ASK YOUR QUESTIONS IN THE INITIAL MEETING

When you finally get that first appointment with a new therapist, understand that you are just looking to see if it is a good fit. You need to feel safe, comfortable and engaged with this person.  Most importantly, ask YOUR questions, in the initial meeting, so that you will have a better understanding of the person that you will be working with. If it doesn’t feel right for you, then it is not a good fit. You need to feel that the person you meet with is someone who will provide you with the type of encouragement and knowledge to do the work that you are seeking to do. Finding a therapist that you feel is the right fit for you, may take some time.  Finally, do not stop looking. If the first person isn’t the right fit, you are worth the time and the energy to find the right provider.  Keep looking and you will find the therapist that will help you on your journey!

That Mom Moment

So, as our family of five luck would have it, four out five of my crew began falling ill with the infamous stomach bug New Year’s evening. Just picture it….first I hear a cry from my youngest at 1:00 am as he begins the descend into vomit land, then an hour later my middle kiddo, followed quickly by my husband and finally by 7:30 am that morning, my oldest child (who god bless her, had made it to school) needed to be picked up after being sick in the nurses office. The following 12 hours would prove to be the most disgusting of my entire life (and FYI I had some pretty gnarly deliveries). As I went from bedroom to bedroom and bathroom to bathroom, I felt like the only person in the universe actually living in hell. However, at one point (I believe 1:00 the next morning still helping the oldest who had had it a full-on 24 hrs) I was sitting, rubbing her back and holding her hair and I realized that this was one of those moments (as vile as it was) that I had to take in as a mom. I hate the idea of people getting sick, in my youth if you had the stomach virus I would have avoided you for a straight up month. Yet here I was, covered in germs, reassuring everyone that they were going to be OK and knowing that I would make sure they were, not because I could cure stomach virus, but because I was going to be there through every awful part. That’s what we do as parents.  Mostly everything and anything that we never wanted to do, but we show up and we do it, because they need us. As, parents and human beings, we have to take a minute when we actually accomplish the goal of being there for them, even if it’s as simple as holding a bucket.  It means that you have stayed true to a promise that was made to them when they were babies, that we will be there always and whenever they need us.

How To: Not like others who don’t like you.

Own your clumsy

I get on my ever loving last nerves, on most days.  I am clumsy  (other than holding a child, I am sure to drop almost anything I pick up).  I for sure struggle with attention issues, I regularly vacillate between wanting to run the world and binge watching Netflix all day; yet according to my Pinterest boards, I clearly have a desire to be doing much more. I own that I am clumsy, that I may or may not break your dishes and that on any given day, I am in a random room in my house trying to figure out why I went in there in the first place. This could potentially get on someone’s last nerve… I own it, it is who I know myself to be.

One of the most complex issues that I see in my clinical practice is the concept of learning to like yourself and even more challenging, understanding that others will not always like you. Go ahead, have a huge GASP or the inevitable response of  “but it really bothers me when people don’t like me”.

Here is the reality of our lives: WE GET ON OUR OWN NERVES. Unless you have a diagnosis of narcissism, you will at several points in a day, get on your own nerves. Therefor, is it entirely possible that we get on other peoples nerves. Those that love us, or like us, put up with our quirks as we put up with theirs. However, there will be some, who just don’t get us, don’t invest in getting to know us, or we literally just are not their type of people. That’s OK and here is why it is OK.  If you really gave some thought to  your true feelings about the people that do not like you,  you would find (wait for it)   YOU REALLY DO NOT LIKE THEM EITHER!  It’s just the concept that they had the nerve to realize it first and act accordingly. You just want them to like you, for the whole concept of being liked, but really you wouldn’t pick them to be your close friends. Truth is most people who don’t like us, we don’t like them…the feelings are usually mutual if we really allow ourselves to think it through. 

We don’t have to be liked by everyone or many. We only need to find the people that get us, accept us and make us feel welcomed and loved. If we get one or a couple or few of those people, we are truly lucky.

Can Kids Cope?

Can kids cope? Yes! Are we letting them? NO!

Halloween was going to be canceled. Why you ask? The threat of rain. Yes, you read that correctly. Recently it was reported to be cold and raining for our local Halloween night, and there was a thought to postpone it.

Listen, on one hand, I get it…young kids out in the cold and rain, not the best of  Halloween nights (although, I shouldn’t talk my husband takes them out); however, Halloween was not canceled when I was a kid, even when rainy and cold, and we were all fine, in fact, I can not recall a bad Halloween night in my neighborhood and one year we had snow (ok, flurries, but still)

Parents of my generation, we have to think back to when we were kids, because we learned so many valuable lessons regarding coping skills. Many may think that this notion of coping skills is not a big deal, but it is a very big deal.

Often within my counseling job, I see young adults struggling to cope with life situations, simply because they have not had to deal with stressful or unpleasant situations until later on in life. It is alright that kids have a tough experience sometimes, it’s ok that they get upset, feel sad, even have a heart break or two.  WE experienced all of these things. Now, we know how to deal (as best we can) with heartbreak and with peers at work, with bosses and schedules, with people who we don’t like and people who don’t like us. We know this because we experienced it before and have learned how to cope and adjust.  We owe the same knowledge to our children. We can not clear the playing fields for them, because when we do it is more out of our discomfort of watching their disappointment than it is for their benefit.

Some of my greatest lessons have come from the absolute pain of failing at something (many things).  We, as parents have to be ok with our kids feeling sad or angry or hurt. Our job is to help them know they will be loved and safe not matter what, but not to fix every situation for them. With that being said, no child should be bullied, abused, harmed or harassed in anyway and if they are, parents jump right in and protect those children and protect them fiercely.  

With regards to things such as rainy Halloweens though, we should say, “rain on your wedding day means good luck and it very well may happen one day, so let’s grab an umbrella and go get that candy!”