4 Steps to determine if you are fixing too much for your kids.
Our kids…we love them, they are our hearts, we would give our lives for them; however, what we are NOT doing for them maybe a larger problem. We seem to be unwilling to let them feel any kind of emotional discomfort or unhappiness or unease. When did we get to a place in our minds, where we feel that our children SHOULD NOT have to feel any of the same heart aches that we went through? Somewhere during us falling in love with these small little beings, we deduced that it was our job to make their lives easier than ours (emotionally speaking), less stressful and less difficult, but do we really believe that this is a thing that we can or should do? The reality is that life is hard and full of challenges and we need to prepare out kids to handle life’s challenges.
Now, let me clearly state, no child should ever be physically, emotionally or mentally abused, EVER! Mommas, you attack like a lioness if that’s what is occurring. In addition, these steps are not directed to anyone whose child has special needs or a diagnosed condition or medical issue that requires a parent to be an advocate for that child. In those circumstances it is imperative that you advocate relentlessly for your child. Advocating for a child who needs assistance/protection, resources or medical care is not the same as arguing with your child’s coach about playing time in a game.
Let’s evaluate how much help is too much help.
STEP 1. Am I helping them to navigate difficulties?
Here is the part I want to point out; our children will soon be young adults, adults who need to be able cope and adjust to their bosses, peers, co-workers, boyfriends/girlfriends, landlords, etc. We will not be able to email their college professors and fix their issues of tardiness because he or she is just not a morning person. We cannot tell their boss to be kinder to our son or daughter because they need extra time for their deadlines or tell their boss that they should have extra vacation time to rest. Our kids will need to manage these issues on their own and they will need to have the tools to do this.
If we do not coach them on how to do this, how will they feel confident and less anxious about it in the future? I am not attacking anyone who has done these “fixer tasks” because I know it has been done with only good intentions (at least when I did it, that’s what I thought I was doing). It is out of love that we have become the “fixers” for our kids. But it is our job to love them through the difficult times, not to deceive them into thinking they don’t exist.
Step 2: Did I have to go through any of the same things when I was a kid?
Think back mommas, please! I don’t know about you and your mom, but when I got cut from a sports team my mom said “oh no, that stinks, I am so sorry” and that was the end of that conversation. She did not make calls, send emails, or create a whole new team centered around me. She felt bad that I was hurting and she walked me through the hurt and assured me that life would still go on and would be good again, even without the spot on the team and guess what, it was.
You know what I learned from that? I learned that I would not get everything that I wanted when I wanted it. That jobs and promotions would not always be mine because I wanted them or because my mom said it should be. There is great strength to be gained from not getting something that you wanted and let’s be honest, more of that happens in our lives than the alternative.
Step 3: Am I just managing my feelings of being sad and hurt for my kid by fixing it for them?
Full disclosure, I have had to learn my own lessons in this subject. One of my kids wanted to play her chosen sport for a more competitive league, so off we went, and she made it on this very competitive team. Enter our first experience with a coach that yelled…A LOT. So, as any mom would, I started to think that this was a big mistake, no one should really yell that much, right? Fixer mom that I was being, started to think of new places to try out for my daughter who clearly was getting anxiety from the yelling. Sounds logical right and then WHAMMO, my kid tells me in a conversation a few weeks later that she loves, loves, loves this coach, and that she won’t get better if he doesn’t tell her what to do…. WHAT? So, I was completely and utterly wrong. Truth was, I was having a hard time with it, she wasn’t. And then it hit me. It was not my job to convince everyone else (including her coach) that my child was beautiful and special and amazing, it was my job as her mom, to make her believe that SHE is beautiful and special and amazing in her own skin. So why are we not allowing our children to cope with disappointments or challenges? Is it because we cannot stand it ourselves? We just cannot cope with watching. Are we not as strong as all the women before us that walked us through life’s disappointments? Where is our strength to tell our kids that they are more than that class, or that teacher, or that sports position, or that part in a play? Our mothers didn’t fix everything for us for a reason, they knew that life would teach us lessons and their job was to help us navigate through those lessons. These days we feel nothing should make OUR children sad or disappointed, that is not love, that is an inability to cope…for everyone. WE ARE BETTER AND STRONGER THAN THAT.
For example, we don’t have to request the perfect teacher for our kid, we have to help them deal with a teacher they don’t necessarily like. We don’t have to send emails to get our kid the lead in a play, we can make sure that they are the best at the role that they are given. We don’t have to argue with a coaches if our kids want to improve or play more in games, we can ask our kid, “want to practice more on the weekends or get some additional training lessons?”. We can do these things because we were taught how, and we owe our kids the same knowledge.
Step 4. Not fixing as much….
If you find you have been a “fixer” (with only the best of intentions), just begin to help your kids, coach them, guide them, but do not fix their problems for them. We learn the most and gain more self-confidence when we learn to problem solve and cope with disappointments. These lessons are so important. Be their biggest cheerleader. Make sure they know that they can get through anything, and that they are loved and supported but fixing every issue for them depicts a mirage of a life that you cannot maintain throughout their adult years. Learning how to cope is a necessity and we are well equipped as moms to help them cope with anything life throws at them.