4 stages in evaluating your feelings after your partner cheats.
How about we talk about cheating! I am going to go down the therapist rabbit hole and tell you what I learned from couples counseling back in the day. Brace yourself, the following may surprise many of you. The whole “once a cheater always a cheater” thing is not really a thing. Now, yes there are people, both men and women, who may have deep issues with commitment and there are also those that have addictive issues with sex, but in general relationship terms, “once a cheater always a cheater” is what we tell ourselves to feel better when someone cheats on us. Here is the reality of your relationship if someone cheats on you. YOU must determine what YOU will do with the relationship after someone cheats.
Stage 1: The “must get them back” phase
When someone cheats we are devastated: we cry, we yell, and tell them off, we throw things, we eat or don’t eat, depending on our emotional bandwidth and we can sometimes feel so lost that we often want them back. Why? Why do we want them back? Quite simply, the thought of NOT having them to text, snap, send pictures too, have sex with and complain to, feels so abnormal and painful that we just go into “get them back mode”. We want everything to go back to the way it was and begin to believe that if they are sorry enough, it can work…hopefully. Many people get back together during this phase.
Stage 2: What type of cheater are they?
If I am being totally and professionally honest with you, in some cases, working it out can absolutely happen. Listen, not everyone that cheats prove to be a horrid or commitment phobic person. There are plenty of people who got way too carried away with someone or got drunk and can’t even fully remember that they actually did what everyone says they did. Those people feel utterly and deplorably embarrassed, sad, and scared to the death that they are going to lose the person that they genuinely love. Those people might never cheat again (there are no guarantees). If the person is remorseful and wants to remain faithful, then the survival of the relationship depends on the mindset of the person who gets cheated on and what they believe.
Stage 3: Can I forgive?
IF the person who cheated truly has no plans or desires to ever cheat again and you take them back, then the relationship will fail or thrive based on you, not them. If you remind them every time there is a disagreement, that they cheated in the past, they will eventually leave you (which will infuriate you because you forgave them for cheating. How dare they leave you!). Alternatively, if you morph into becoming the “tracker” who makes sure that their partner is everywhere they say they are OR become obsessed with checking their social media pages and text messages, they will also leave you. Why? Because you are not the same person in the relationship anymore. Due to the cheating you became a different partner because they cheated. You never got over it.
If you forgive someone who has cheated on you, there are two basic questions to ask yourself:
- Do I believe this person when they tell me that this was a mistake and will not happen again?
- Can I move on from this, meaning if I forgive them, can I let this go? Can I agree to open communication about my hurt feelings and about trust, but also agree not to use the cheating as a weapon?
If you can do those two things, then the relationship may be successful. If you cannot do both, then you should really think about letting the relationship go.
Stage 4: Make your choice and figure out if change is required.
Now, lets say that you are someone who is in a relationship with a partner who is actively and consistently cheating on you. Well now that’s the most interesting kind of relationship! Why? Because we are just in some sort of competition to win and valid ourselves aren’t, we? It becomes US versus NEW girl or boy. If you are in this game of competition, the cheating will continue, guaranteed and here’s why (make a note, this applies to so much in life) ….ONLY WHEN WE WANT SOMETHING THAT WE DO NOT HAVE, DO WE MAKE ANY CHANGES.
Not sure about this? Don’t know what I mean? Follow these examples: if I want more money: I work more hours, I want a better career: I go to school, I want a better car: I save money, I want sobriety: cease alcohol, I want my cholesterol to go down: I eat better. All of these are action plans that bring about change towards something that I want. Predominantly, it’s the desire for something that we do not currently have that evokes the most change. If I have everything that I want, I change nothing. I am content.
Lets imagine I have a partner (person A) who makes me feel really good about myself and loves and supports me. Let us also imagine that I have another person (person B) who also makes me feel great about myself. I am feeling very loved all around right? Now, when person A finds out about person B, maybe they scream, yell, cry, argue but if person A desperately fights to get me back, in many cases I will not change a thing about my behavior. Why would I have to? I never really loose person A (and remember they really take care of my needs) AND I get to explore with other people because it’s clear that person A loves me and will most likely forgive me if I repeat these behaviors. I am confident that I will not lose person A.
Reversely, lets say that the complete opposite happens. Let us imagine that person A is done with me after my cheating. They are hurt, they feel lied to and deceived, and they want nothing to do with me anymore. They have blocked me from all contact, and they have no desires to speak or hear from me at all. Eventually I may begin to worry…what if someone else comes along and sweeps them off their feet and into the sunset of happily ever after. Then, and only then, am I starting to freak out. I know that I have messed up and I know that I need to change because this person will not have it; they will really move forward with their life and onto someone new and leave me for good. They are not scared to move on without me. If I am in love with them and I miss them, then I will be motivated to change.
Remember we only change our current behaviors when we want or desire something that we do not have.
Ladies Can We Talk Guide